Embrace the Shaking.

I've been wrestling a lot with myself.

How's that for honest?

Sounds like such funny thing to say, but it's the truth. My days seem lately to be filled with long, internal dialogues. There are days and moments when I feel like I can conquer anything and everything. And then there are days when I feel downright discouraged that quite simply, I am not enough.

Mostly this self doubt rears its ugly head in my exercising and eating habits. As I've blogged about before, the book "Women, Food, and God" was a big one in helping me think harder about my relationship with food and so in April I decided that enough was enough and I wanted to lose some weight I'd be carrying around a little too long. I want my body, an extension and reflection of who I am, to match who I am on the inside. Quite simply, I got tired of feeling trapped in my body, which I wasn't proud of and that feeling that it hindered me from accomplishing the things that I know I am strong enough to do. My body doesn't define me, but it was given to me for a reason and I need to find peace with it.

And because of this, exercising and eating has turned into more than simply exercising and eating. Both of these things are personal challenges that each day make me question myself: am I actually as strong as I think I am?

I'm not a big believer in coincidences and life has a funny way of giving us just what we need at exactly the right time. Which is why I shouldn't be surprised that these silly classes I've been doing at The Bar Method have turned into a tool that is actually teaching me a lot about life. Each hour, when I do these classes and my legs shake and burn so badly and I question if I can stand it any longer, I get reminders about life. The crazy thing in these classes is that when your legs shake and burn, you're supposed to let them and "embrace the shaking." If our legs are shaking during class, we actually are told "good shaking!" And so I've had to train my mind to go to a space where I can breathe and embrace the shaking, knowing that my body will slowly change if I give it the chance to. Settle into the (good) pain and be ok with it.

I love a challenge but its tough to sustain. Any of us can go on a diet or go on an exercise plan for a few weeks, but its sticking with it that really gets us to the questions that make us wrestle: are we patient enough to wait for change to take place? Are we willing to live with some discomfort? Are we willing to believe that we are strong enough? As I wrestle to change my body and learn to see it as an extension of who I am, these are the questions that constantly keep coming.

These lessons that come from exercising translate directly into the relationship I have with food...when all my body wants is sugar and vegging out with pizza at the end of a long day is the only thing that sounds relaxing, it's uncomfortable to say no. It's miserable to choose the healthy option and stop using food as a crutch. But just as my legs shake when I exercise, learning to say no and accept my discomfort as I make good eating decisions is what is allowing me to change.

It's because of these lessons that I will keep going. Not only in the progress that I make in my physical appearance but in the slow progress I make in the way I treat my body. The days when I want to scream that I should be thinner are the days when I need to remember how far I've come. And when I've had enough and am ready to throw in the towel is when I need to settle into my skin, feel the discomfort and remind myself that I will keep going. We are all a lot stronger than we think.

And so, I am changing. Slowly. A work in progress. Realizing that this body of mine isn't just made to be the object of my criticism but has been given to me to teach me a little bit more about what lies underneath. And I will keep taking one step at a time.